I Have Been A Fool
by Smokescreen-ninja
Summary: Donnie told him that Mikey was suffering, but Leo refuses to believe it. (Rated T for depression and suicidal attempts) (One shot)


**Donnie told him, that Mikey was suffering, but Leo refuses to believe it. (Rated T for depression and suicidal attempt) (One shot)**

 **Trigger warning, suicidal thoughts and attempts, please get help if this is happening to you.**

 **Guys. I'm going to do something that I haven't done in a while, so please bear with me my first person may be a bit rusty. Also italic are flash backs.**

 **Disclaimed: I do not own the turtles in anyway shape of form.**

* * *

 **(Leo)**

I was worried, worried as a leader and an older brother. Worried about my baby brother, the youngest of the group the one meant to be full of light and happiness, was now slowly losing himself. I never thought it would happen to him; sure it could have happen to anyone of us. But, why Mikey?

How can someone be so full of life and can brighten anyone's day, by just being in the room fall for depression? I guess in a way, we should have seen it coming after father's death he had this phrase where he was withdrawn and we barely saw him anymore.

But after a couple of weeks, things changed – he went back to normal, back to who he was. Endless pranks, bad jokes and comebacks, always talking about the latest comic book and just driving us all up the wall.

He helped us, he helped us move on with father's death and he made things a bit easy.

But now everything just went downhill at first I refuse to see that something was wrong with my baby brother. I refuse to hear Raph yelling at him, saying he wanted the old Mikey back, refused to see the worried and concern expression from Donnie – every time Mikey walked into the room. I didn't want to see that, it wasn't happening as far as my mind knew.

" _Leo?"_

I remember Donnie telling me, when all this was starting.

" _Could you talk to Raph. He needs to stop this, you two need to see that something is wrong with Mikey. Please just tell Raph."_

" _Sure Don, I'll talk to him."_

I didn't. I don't know why, but I didn't talk to my little brother, it was as if Donnie's words just went through me and I went along with life.

Even as the days went by, where I knew something was not right with my little brother. When I saw those blank and tired eyes of his or when I saw him always in that trance like state, just staring off into the distance. I just went by.

" _Hey Leo." I blink and turn around to see Mikey smiling at me._

When I saw that smile on his face, I thought he was getting better. It was as if the old Mikey was coming back.

" _Hey Mikey, what's ya want?"_

" _Oh nothing. Just thought I tell you I love you and all of my big bro's." I smile back and I was shock as his arms hug around me._

He was getting better.

" _Glad to hear that little bro. You alright?"_

" _Yeah I'm good Donnie's been keeping an eye on me."_

He was getting better.

" _Oh," I said quietly._

" _Hey Leo. I want to say sorry, you know?" I was confused._

" _Sorry about what?"_

" _For all the times that I've stuffed up on mission. And around the lair, I know I can be a lot to handle." He huffs. "I mean, I am kind of useless after all."_

Where did that word come from?!

" _You're not useless Mikey. You just handle things differently, like the rest of us do."_

" _Thanks Leo. Really though I am sorry and I think you're a great leader, just learn to have some fun every now and again." I smile and nod._

" _Sure little brother. Anything else you want to say?"_

" _I've been writing stuff and there's a letter for you in your room. Just don't read it until tomorrow. Kay?"_

 _I give him a questionable expression, before nodding in understanding._

" _Sure Mikey."_

It's only now, that my eyes stare at the spot - where he was just standing. The memory of his words just kept repeating in my mind and something was screaming at me, telling me something was wrong. My eyes kept drifting towards my room, he said he left me a letter and I know I said I won't read it until tomorrow. But something pulls me along and I find myself entering my room, the letter neatly placed on desk.

I walk towards it and hold it in my hands I open it and being to read it. My eyes widen with shock, fear and worry. He wasn't getting better and Donnie was telling the truth, oh dear god. No. We have already lost our father and Mikey had been the only one to keep us together and I wasn't planning on losing my baby brother.

"Leo!"

I feel the letter leaving my hands, as I turn to the sound of Donnie calling me. I run out and run towards his lab, I see Raph ready to punch something and Donnie holding a hand over his mouth, tears were clearly falling.

"Oh god, he promised. He promised he would talk to me," Donnie said, slowly dropping to his knees.

It's when I notice the letter in his hands and another piece of paper teared to pieces and Raph, frowning at it with disgust.

He wasn't getting better, Raph and I – we were not helping him by pretended that there was nothing wrong with him.

"D-did you get the same message?" I couldn't help the stutter. I was not trained for this. I was not ready for this.

"Yes."

"How long has he been gone for?!" Raph yelled in my ears.

"Not long, if we go now. We can stop him and catch up to him."

In a blink of an eye, Donnie runs by me and Raph an eye exchanged glances before running off after him. We didn't know where we were going, noun of us did, Donnie didn't have time to try and track down our brother's T-phone.

We were just runing, we allowed our legs to carry us and thank god it didn't take us long to find him.

Mikey was in an alleyway, his eyes blankly staring at the wall, he wasn't doing it. He wasn't going to do it and in a way I was relief.

"Mikey?" I turn to Donnie, he slowly walks towards our little brother and my eyes widen.

It's when I notice the tears that were fallen down and landing on the ground below.

"I wanted to do it," Mikey said, his voice shakily and broken. "I wanted to go and to leave, but my mind kept going back on you guys. I feared for you guys."

I watched my little brother drop to his knees, he still hadn't turned too looked at us and I was unable to move.

"Oh Mikey." Donnie said, sitting beside him and taking him into a hug.

"So it's real?"

I turn to Raph and slowly nod.

Yeah it's real our baby brother our light and hope had depression. Our little brother was thinking of ways to end his life, only a few minutes ago and had stop, because of us. It was real, no nightmare, no joke, no acted, it was real and I don't know how to deal with it. I wanted to scream and lose my clam, I wanted to yell at something, but I didn't.

Instead I stay standing beside Raph and we watched our two little brothers, crying in front of us.

But Raph was stronger than me he made a moved and walked towards them. Taking them both in a, hug – while I stood there, unable to move as I stare.

" _Leo?" Donnie asked._

" _What would you do, if I told you our little bother is suffering from depression and has suicidal thoughts?"_

" _Don, that's not a funny joke."_

 _He sighs. "That's all I needed to hear."_

Donnie had been calling for help. To help for our little brother and I had just pushed it aside as if it was a bad joke. Gosh, I should have known better.

I sigh, before walking up my little brothers, I stand there in front of them for a little while unsure on what to do. I knee and I hold a hand on Mikey shoulder, baby blue eyes look at me – tears still falling, Raph and Donnie question my action, but I needed to say this.

"I'm sorry Mikey. Really for everything, it's just I didn't want to believe. I thought you were fine, I'm sorry baby brother."

My eyes widen as Mikey puts his arms around me and I hold onto him tighter as he cries into my plastron.

I know now, I know my brother is going through a difficult time and I wasn't going to leave him in the darkness again.

"I'm always going to be here for you Mikey. Always little brother."

Maybe now, he might recover.

* * *

 **I just want to tell people, that you do not need to be a self-harm and think of suicidal thoughts. In case anyone tells you different or researches shows you otherwise, as a person who have been through this myself and went through ups and downs.**

 **I was not a self-harmer, but often did think of suicide, not to mention trying to take my own life a couple of times. But I am getting better now and I wanted to share this story, I pretty much had to interview my friends about how they felt as well. It's where I got Leo's info from, so please if you are thinking about this. Then know you're not alone.**

 **Anyway, have a wonderful day/ night and you guys are awesome, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.**

 **Cheers!**


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